Unexpectedly I get a phone call, the person on the other end is crying. They can hardly get out their first few sentences, but after a minute or so they are able to start. The go through their current situation and in the end say, ‘I don’t know what to do.’
This has happened a few times in my life, and I am glad. The conversation continued for a while, with just me trying to get details, as if I am to help, I need to know more. I want to make sure the person first is ok, but it is the understanding of the situation that is key. I asked a few questions and replied with some links to information. I needed to balance two things, first to calm the person down and second to try to find a way to help in this situation.
Now the problem was not resolved in a single call, in fact it is going to lead need some more information gathering on my friend’s side but as the conversation was closing, I mentioned please keep my updated as you know things, as in tomorrow and the next day. The response was ‘I don’t want to bother you.’ I had to stop them right away. My response was how can you deny me of being there for you, in fact I added on top, how can you deny any of your friends from being there when you need them.
I think of anything this shocked them. We had a few minutes discussion about friendship. I have been thinking about this for a while. Even at my age, I am still learning the ins and outs of how to be a friend. I am sure I have failed or made mistakes, but I am only human. One thing I do know, and I told my children there is no greater gift than the one of friendship. Long before I heard that line in the movie Polar Express, it was something I believed.
Friendship is not just being there for the good times; it is being there when they need you most. That also means often being there when they do not ask for it. It is calling them unexpectedly, it is saying yes to something you would not do, just to spend some time together. It is being the side kick, wingman or just company. But, when there is a tragedy, like when my wife passed, it was wonderful to have people around. And even more so many years later, many are still around helping in ways they might not think about.
Then there is the Ben Frankin Effect. This is when you like someone better after doing something for them. Now of course this could be considered a part of cognitive dissonance, where even if you do not like a person, and help them you end up liking them. Let us put it in context, that helping a person you are already friends with allows you to like them more. The notion of helping someone brings you closer to them. I did not think about it this way, but people I have mentored over the years have become friends, I wonder if I ended up liking them due to the fact I was helping them?
This call, like many things that happen in my life, made me reflect again. How do I make friends? How do you have hard conversations with them? If there is something that does bother you about the friendship, can you bring it up? If so, how? As you get older why is it so hard to make friends? And it also made me think, why didn’t I call some of my friends when some of the worst things happened to me? Why did I not ask to have someone just to talk to? Why did I deny some of my friends the pleasure of helping others? If one of the greatest things you can do is help other people, denying a friend to help you is denying them that feeling.
In previous posts I talked about saying yes to things and making moments, that wonderful stories can come from adventures. I am now realizing that those adventures may be great, but also helping others, and letting others help you is another fantastic way to build bonds between friends. So do not be afraid to ask for help, and be happy when someone asks you for it.
By Larry Gold – LrAu
This opinion is mine, and mine only, my current or former employers have nothing to do with it. I do not write for any financial gain; I do not take advertising and any product company listed was not done for payment. But if you do like what I write you can donate to the charity I support (with my wife who passed away in 2017) Morgan Stanley’s Children’s Hospital or donate to your favorite charity. The fundraising site had to be restarted and NYP Hospital made changes to their donation sites. I pay to host my site out of my own pocket, my intention is to keep it free. You are welcome to comment, but note it is moderated and all spam will be removed.
This Blog is a labor of love and was originally going to be a book. With the advent of being able to publish yourself on the web I chose this path. I will write many of these and not worry too much about grammar or spelling (I will try to come back later and fix it) but focus on content. I apologize in advance for my ADD as often topics may flip. I hope one day to turn this into a book and or a podcast, but for now it will remain a blog. AI is not used in this writing other than using the web to find information. Images without notes are created using an AI tool that allows me to reuse them.