Our family has a few house rules, and over the years they went from being kid friendly to adult. The rules are Simple:  

  • If you make a mess, clean it 
  • Do not be Stupid, and if you are do not get caught 
  • Do not be an asshole 
  • Leave your Sanity at the Door 

Now those rules may bring some laughter, but for my kids and I we regularly repeat them, and I know that giving hugs, laughing etc. are missing. But these were rules more to get us through some tough times. Every so often I think about them when meditating, or my mind is wandering and the other day found myself wondering if I break one of them. 

Driving home from work I go from one highway to another, and the exit is on the right. During some busy times, the traffic can back up a half mile or more. Some people know this and get into the right lane, some people do not realize this and try to squeeze in, and of course there are the people who try to jam their way at the last second. There are a lot of reactions to the people who have been in line. Some are angry, some honk, some let them in nicely, some try to block the person cutting in. 

In one of the many management classes I took, we were taught the notion of empathy. Putting on the empathy hat you can say ‘Maybe the guy is racing to the hospital and has an emergency’ or other fable to make the action explainable. But when you see the same car do it day in and day out, that idea seems to vanish. If your reaction is to block them and hope the other cars in front and behind you do the same thing, you can successfully piss the driver off. Does this act break the do not be an asshole rule? I remember driving someone home one night, and a driver was zig zagging to get ahead and cut us off to get one car ahead. I said to the person next to me, I guess he does not like spending time with whoever else is in that car.  

When I look at this situation what it comes down to is the value of time. We are getting upset that someone does not value our time versus their time. When it is someone, you do not know imposing on your time it is one thing, but what happens when it is someone you do know? Or someone you work with? 

How many times at work do you say the following? 

  • That is an hour I will never get back. 
  • That is another meeting that could have been an email 
  • Why am I on this email? 
  • Why do I get so many emails? 

By overloading your coworkers with emails and meetings you are not respecting their time. How many emails do you get that have dozens of people or groups attached? Every person on the email now needs to look to see if that email means anything to them. And of course, if you reply and reply to all (instead of just the two people who need the reply) you are making the whole list of people look at your reply. While many people are taught how to use email, many are not taught what good etiquette is. This could be for many reasons, but when email started there was no need for it, and as it exploded the unintended consequences of very inexpensive communication.  

As I sat in traffic wondering about the guy cutting in front, I started wondering where do I waste people who I likes time? Coworkers, friends, family all get a text, email, or other forms of communication from me, and by interrupting their flow is my time more important than theirs? One thing we should get out of the way, I have been taught that sending someone a message or a meme means that I am thinking of them. That they are important to me, and I want to connect. One of the first posts I wrote is my thoughts on communication where I explain the difference between synchronous and asynchronous communication. What I did not think about in that post was the impact on time.  

So, what do I do now? I think with many friends I will continue to send some means. I may think about timing and overload. At work, I started to think before replying to all of it. In many cases removing all groups and trying to identify the people who need to read it. Thus, respecting their time. The people who are left out may never know I saved them a second or two, but it is not about them, this is about me not being an asshole. Thanks to this one jerk in the Acura who every day on my way home from work cuts in to get on the parkway, I had to rethink how I communicate. And as an act of service to my friends, family, and coworkers I have become less of an asshole. 

This opinion is mine, and mine only, my current or former employers have nothing to do with it. I do not write for any financial gain; I do not take advertising and any product company listed was not done for payment. But if you do like what I write you can donate to the charity I support (with my wife who passed away in 2017) Morgan Stanley’s Children’s Hospital or donate to your favorite charity. The fundraising site had to be restarted and NYP Hospital made changes to their donation sites. I pay to host my site out of my own pocket, my intention is to keep it free.  You are welcome to comment, but note it is moderated and all spam will be removed.

This Blog is a labor of love and was originally going to be a book. With the advent of being able to publish yourself on the web I chose this path. I will write many of these and not worry too much about grammar or spelling (I will try to come back later and fix it) but focus on content. I apologize in advance for my ADD as often topics may flip. I hope one day to turn this into a book and or a podcast, but for now it will remain a blog.  AI is not used in this writing other than using the web to find information. Images without notes are created using an AI tool that allows me to reuse them.