Category: Personal Growth (Page 2 of 7)

As a child one of my favorite things to do on weekend was watch Kung Fu Theatre on channel 5. There were classics like the Flying Guillotine, The Five Deadly Venoms, and many others. What stood out were the original Bruce Lee movies. And to me the one that was a bit bizarre was Game of Death. Watching the original was out of place, there were people with Bruce Lee cut out masks etc. Of course, as a young teen I did not understand what was going on, nor know the story behind it. 

In 2019 on the 46^th anniversary of Bruce Lee’s death the film was revived using the original footage, but also answered many questions. For those of us who were fans of Bruce Lee, we saw past the movies and investigated him as a philosopher. His public letters were published in a book by John Little who also authored several books including one of my favorites the Warrior Within.  

Learning about some of the ideas behind Bruce Lee’s movies made them even better. Knowing he wanted to be Chuck Norris in The Way of the Dragon was intentional. The Game of Death also had this hidden agenda. Now people make documentaries, put their agenda front, and center, or make a movie the intentionally scares people about a topic, but Bruce was different. The meaning was deep in the story and not surfaced unless someone looked deeply. 

For those who read my blog often you know that I am in technology and manage a team. I studied User Experience (UX) even post school as it was intriguing. In producing my philosophy for building systems, I talk about there are levels of systems for the user. The first is called Data, you need to understand the data you are working with and build a system that manages the data. Once you really get good at that you can think about the tasks people do with the data. Thus, your user experience is now not about the data, but what the users are doing with it. Users like this better than data systems as it feels more natural. Lastly there is something that is called Goal oriented systems. These look beyond the data and tasks and create a system the seamlessly allows the user to accomplish the goal with the least amount of friction. I call these steps the tower of UX, and that you need to learn one to move on to the other. 

Where did I get this? The connection is simple, it was really the Game of UX vs the Game of Death. Well the Game of Death has a meaning behind the movie. The climatic scene is where Bruce Lee needs to get to the top of a tower and at each floor there is a different martial art expert that he needs to defeat.  

This is Bruce Lee’s original drawing. Now in the movie the foes have different weapons and distinctive styles of fighting, and Bruce struggles at first. He eventually learns the weakness of his opponent, changes his style, and can defeat his foe. The key here is he is learning at each level of the tower. The meaning he was teaching was that life is a series of levels. At each level we need to learn something to advance. We might struggle, and we may need to think differently than we do now, but we need to persevere and change to reach the next level.  

This notion of levels is what I talk about with building systems. It comes with all props to Bruce, and it is a philosophy I must remind myself of when I am struggling. When building a system, I ask my team what level we are at. If we do not understand the data yet, we need to start there. If we understand the data, do we understand the tasks? These are lessons we need to learn to make better and better systems for our users.  

I use this notion of the Tower and give credit to Bruce as it was his philosophy. When you are struggling, just remember you are supposed to. Learning is something you constantly need to do to get better. The lesson that comes with the current situation allows you to progress to the next level. 

This opinion is mine, and mine only, my current or former employers have nothing to do with it. I do not write for any financial gain, I do not take advertising and any product company listed was not done for payment. But if you do like what I write you can donate to the charity I support (with my wife who passed away in 2017) Morgan Stanley’s Children’s Hospital or donate to your favorite charity. I pay to host my site out of my own pocket, my intention is to keep it free.  I do read all feedback, I mostly wont post any of them. 

This Blog is a labor of love, and was originally going to be a book.  With the advent of being able to publish yourself on the web I chose this path.  I will write many of these and not worry too much about grammar or spelling (I will try to come back later and fix it) but focus on content.  I apologize in advance for my ADD as often topics may flip.  I hope one day to turn this into a book and or a podcast, but for now it will remain a blog.   AI is not used in this writing other than using the web to find information.Images without notes are created using and AI tool that allows me to reuse them. 

On Friday I decided to have a cheat day on my diet. If you followed my progress, I went from over 200 lbs. to now a healthy 166, and I have mentioned what I learned about working out has to do with being a better person. As I munched down on this wonder of a sandwich, I was thinking about what cheat meals can teach me.  I will put some pictures of how I made it and the final product so you can enjoy it also.  

1. Balance is important: When you deprive yourself of things you enjoy, often you get frustrated and angry and almost resentful. The word diet has become a negative, but technically your eating style is a diet.  We only use the word diet when losing weight, but bodybuilders use it for building mass, athletes’ diet for better performance.  Finding a balance in your diet allows you to hit goals but enjoy it. In life, you cannot deprive yourself of things you enjoy, you build resentment. No relationship, job or anything should demand so much that you cannot find to enjoy life. Do not be too busy building a life to enjoy one

2. Life is more like a Rollercoaster than a Carousel:  It will have a series of ups and downs, it will not be simple and easy, and not boring.  With a cheat meal you will not have the energy or have a crash unlike a well-balanced diet.  You will feel that downswing and will allow you to feel the upswings of eating healthier. 

3. Listen to your body: When eating a cheat meal, or a meal incomplete in nutrition you often still feel hungry even though you ate a lot of calories. This is your body telling you that you are missing nutrients. Your body is wonderful at giving you alerts; the expression listening to your gut and listening to your heart does have some science behind it. Your body will tell you things, including yes, a cheat meal is a good thing.

4. Rewards are a good incentive: You need to reward yourself for progress, and a cheat meal is one way.  Purchasing new clothes as you hit that goal is another.  Finding the right rewards for your fitness goals helps the progress continue. Rewards are helpful for other facets in life also (besides fitness.). You should reward yourself when you get a promotion, hit a milestone etc.   Even words of thanks and gratitude to someone else who obtained something are rewarding to them.  

5. Do not overuse rewards: The cheat meal is on the bad side, and having too many disrupts it. Use these things sparingly, as if you reward yourself too much it is no longer a reward. This is true not just with cheat meals but any other reward or goal. When at a previous company they would promote people ‘yearly’ which eventually people were thinking it was an entitlement not a goal or achievement. 

6. One bad meal or day should not ruin the rest of your plan: If you have $86,400 dollars and someone took $600 from you, would you throw out the other $85,900?   Well, there are 86,400 seconds in a day, a bad meal is what a 10-minute decision. You are going to throw out the other 85,900 seconds (just short of 24 hours) you made a good decision.  I do think you would. Think of it of spending that money on something frivolous you never use, but the rest you spent wise

7. Build some flexibility into your life: My cheat meal was on a Friday, next week it will be on a Wednesday as my sister is coming into the city. Having the ability to be schedules and regimented in a way that you can always have some flexibiity make success easier. Consistency is one key to success, and having a structure and schedule helps. But occasionally this flexibility does not break you, the cheat meal is just that. 

8. Willpower is a muscle: You need to work it out like any other muscle.  But you do give your muscle a rest day, and a cheat meal is a rest day for your willpower.  Just like Steve Jobs wore the same clothes all the time to improve his decision-making in other areas, scheduled meals and the schedule cheat mail will reduce your decision-making.  If it is not your cheat meal, then you must eat healthy (choice over). People do complain they do not have the willpower, and it is more they have not developed it.  Thinking of it as a muscle they need to work on and the cheat meals as the rest days make it easier to train

Well Sorry I am not giving ten plus an extra, but it is interesting to start looking at myself and figuring out why things work and how what I did to get healthy relates to my life as a parent, my job and me being a human being.  I wonder what lessons are in store for me in 2024. 

This opinion is mine, and mine only, my current or former employers have nothing to do with it. I do not write for any financial gain, I do not take advertising and any product company listed was not done for payment. But if you do like what I write you can donate to the charity I support (with my wife who passed away in 2017) Morgan Stanley’s Children’s Hospital or donate to your favorite charity. I pay to host my site out of my own pocket, my intention is to keep it free.  I do read all feedback, I mostly wont post any of them. 

This Blog is a labor of love, and was originally going to be a book.  With the advent of being able to publish yourself on the web I chose this path.  I will write many of these and not worry too much about grammar or spelling (I will try to come back later and fix it) but focus on content.  I apologize in advance for my ADD as often topics may flip.  I hope one day to turn this into a book and or a podcast, but for now it will remain a blog.   AI is not used in this writing other than using the web to find information.Images without notes are created using and AI tool that allows me to reuse them.  

Did you ever wonder that some of the same skills that help you in fitness also translate into work and other parts of your life? 2023 was a challenging year for me, I found myself wanting to get back into shape after suffering from a staph infection. I have a diet that is my go-to, but being a lot older, I researched a bit to see if I could find a better workout. In my research I found a lot more, some I knew and just never followed and somehow started to connect it to my work. As with all my introspection I decided to document it, so my top 10 and an extra are below: 

1. Breath: This may sound simple, but many people just do not do it. I always have been bad at breathing when working out. During contractions or effort, I would hold my breath vs. Exhaling. This year during my workouts I was very conscious of fixing that. And realized that same technique of breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth helped me focus as work. 

2. Accountability: When working out, finding an accountability partner, or ways to make yourself accountable is key. It helps with motivation as well as picking you up with that extra lift you need.  At work, this is the same thing, finding someone that holds you accountable for doing your best, inspires you and motivates you to improve. For my workouts I have spreadsheets tracking my metrics (weight, body fat) at work, I created a separate Jira board to track things, and it has metrics that I can see and keep myself accountable. I also leverage a Facebook group where we all keep ourselves accountable.  

3. Mindfulness: Some days I would get up and sleepwalk through a workout just to check it off. I could even tell someone yes i worked out today, but really, did I? I did the motions but did not push myself, did not train to failure or get my heart rate in the right zone. The same would go to work, I cannot sleepwalk through my job. I am the most successful when my mind is focused on the task at hand. I have started meditation. This allows me to focus on both my workouts and my job.  

4. Single Task: I can admit it, there were days not only when I slept through a workout but was busy texting someone or doing something else. I had to stop this. Mindfulness was key, but the single task of working out made them more effective. At work, not multitasking during a meeting and focusing on the call or task at hand, I am able to get more out of it. This is hard for someone with ADHD this is a constant challenge that I am still working on.  

5. Eat Healthy: There is a saying ‘You cannot out workout a bad diet.’ Which is true, no matter how much you work out, a bad diet will ruin it. It is true with work also. If you do not eat healthy you cannot be your best. You will be tired, lack energy, and just feel not at your best. As stated I have a go-to diet, this includes meal preparation. At work, it makes it easier, I am not worried about what I am going to eat at work, and it ensures I eat healthy.  

6. Rest: In working out there are rest days where your body needs to heal. In work it is called energy management. There are times when you need a break. Listen to your body and your mind and take those breaks. Let yourself heal, as that will make you stronger.  

7. Time Under Tension: In some of my workouts I found myself either rushing the rep or going fast to get the number of reps done. What I was missing with the notion of keeping the muscle under tension as well as using different counts. This notion of having the muscle under tension for a period builds strength. In work, you are going to be under tension, some call it stress or emergencies. Those are all there to build you up physically as well as mentally to handle different situations. One of the best compliments I ever got was you are cool under pressure; I just wish they knew how long it took to get there.  

8. Variety: Or as I say, ‘I need to change up my workout.’ Doing the same workout year after year and expecting a better result is maddening.  Changing your workout allows you to challenge your muscles, reduce boredom and increase chances of success. At work, changing up your routine, learning a new skill, challenging yourself outside your comfort zone can only get you better at your job.  

9. Know that you can always learn more: This year I learned a few things about working out that I did not know, as science is changing. There are always studies comparing exercises, exercise types etc. It let me try a hypertrophic workout on the bowflex (something I never thought of doing.). For my job learning is necessary. If you are living under a rock 2023 was the year of Large Language Models and being in technology, we had to learn if they could help my role.  

10. Pick the Right Music: For workouts, one thing I learned is that with the right music you can get energized. The wrong music can do the opposite. Do you have a playlist for your workout? How much of a difference is it? At work, often when it is time to put your head down and code, putting on the right type of music that is mindless and allows you to block out outside noise helps productivity.  

11. Have Fun: If you find a workout that you enjoy doing, you are going to do it longer. There are so many diverse types of workouts, and different instructors, group lessons etc. There will be something you can find that you will enjoy and have fun. Work is the same. In many cases the fun will be being with the right people, but finding things that make your job fun is key.  

I am sure there are others, but I was amazed by the connection between my fitness journey and work. Let me know if I missed something. 

This opinion is mine, and mine only, my current or former employers have nothing to do with it. I do not write for any financial gain, I do not take advertising and any product company listed was not done for payment. But if you do like what I write you can donate to the charity I support (with my wife who passed away in 2017) Morgan Stanley’s Children’s Hospital or donate to your favorite charity. I pay to host my site out of my own pocket, my intention is to keep it free.  I do read all feedback, I mostly wont post any of them. 

This Blog is a labor of love, and was originally going to be a book.  With the advent of being able to publish yourself on the web I chose this path.  I will write many of these and not worry too much about grammar or spelling (I will try to come back later and fix it) but focus on content.  I apologize in advance for my ADD as often topics may flip.  I hope one day to turn this into a book and or a podcast, but for now it will remain a blog.   AI is not used in this writing other than using the web to find information.Images without notes are created using and AI tool that allows me to reuse them.  

As soon as Covid sent my office home I immediately needed to find a way to replace informal team communication. I decided that every Friday I would have a global team meeting that would not be status related, no about work, it would be team building. I knew there were a few team building activities we could do via video chat, and some games so the first few weeks were easy. But as the weeks wore on, I needed to be more creative. I always wanted the games to have a point, a message or to engage people in communication. There are a lot of limitations, I want it to be 30 minutes, needs to be done on a video call etc.  

Four years later, and the meeting is now every other Friday, but I keep the notion that I create a team-based activity. I often made jokes about writing the activity the night before and even a few times a few hours before the meeting. Some team members gave me kudos for being creative each time, and my reply was that creativity comes with last minute panic.  

Even though it was a joke I wondered does procrastination relates to creativity? While I was in the shower, I thought of an idea to write a post about it. The first thing I wrote was why do I get ideas like that in the shower? I often get other ideas while walking the dog in the park, working out doing something other than the activity. If I sat down and wanted to be creative, I was somehow less creative. How many times did you get that idea in the shower? 

When I write my posts, I use my old friend Google to help with my research. In this instance I was able to find a study titled “When Putting Work Off Pays Off: The Curvilinear Relationship Between Procrastination and Creativity.” This allowed me to dig into the why. When you realize there are two key things that are happening when you are in the shower thinking of a brilliant solution. 

First, you already know what the problem is. In most cases, you already thought about it, talked with others, and tried to solve it once already. Your brain has the idea in your head and is somehow working on it without you consciously thinking about it. If i asked you name a clear thought you had yesterday, not like ‘I am hungry’ but a full sentence. Of the thousand or so thoughts, unless you wrote something down most likely you do not remember much of it. The brain is working on it in the background. A study seemed to back this up titled ‘Inspired by Distraction: Mind Wandering Facilitates Creative Incubation.’ This knowing of the problem is called incubation. 

Second, you stepped away from the problem. The focus away from the problem allows your brain to think more clearly. There are some people who can be creative and think on demand, but that is more the exception and the rule. A google search brings up a study that backs this up, the title ‘Give Your Ideas Some Legs: The Positive Effect of Walking on Creative Thinking.’ Though it focuses on walking, the act of getting away from your problem seems to give the brain some boost.  

So go ahead, when you have something that requires creativity let it simmer, do not rush it. Let yourself think about it in the shower, in the gym, anywhere. Keep a notebook handy to write ideas down and remember you forget most of your thoughts. This way you can be more creative. I also will not go crazy, get upset when I have not created an activity and its late Thursday night. I know somewhere something is percolating and by the morning I will have the solution.  

This opinion is mine, and mine only, my current or former employers have nothing to do with it. I do not write for any financial gain, I do not take advertising and any product company listed was not done for payment. But if you do like what I write you can donate to the charity I support (with my wife who passed away in 2017) Morgan Stanley’s Children’s Hospital or donate to your favorite charity. I pay to host my site out of my own pocket, my intention is to keep it free.  I do read all feedback, I mostly wont post any of them. 

This Blog is a labor of love, and was originally going to be a book.  With the advent of being able to publish yourself on the web I chose this path.  I will write many of these and not worry too much about grammar or spelling (I will try to come back later and fix it) but focus on content.  I apologize in advance for my ADD as often topics may flip.  I hope one day to turn this into a book and or a podcast, but for now it will remain a blog.   AI is not used in this writing other than using the web to find information.Images without notes are created using and AI tool that allows me to reuse them.  

My kids said something to me yesterday that I should have known before. After having some struggles in the past year or so (physical, illnesses and some mental) I finally got myself back on track health and fitness wise. I hit one of my goals before Thanksgiving and was looking better than I have in a while. My kids did not seem impressed at all. Friends, family and even coworkers commented on how good I looked. My kids were not impressed at all. 

My daughter said, ‘You did this before, why should we be impressed?’ I never thought about it that way. She was right, every time I somehow got off track, I was able to get myself back on track fitness wise. That magically I had something that would appear when I needed it.  

To do it, I found my spreadsheet that tracks my weight, my workouts, and my food. I whipped it out, put a start date on it and began my journey. I know what I need to do diet wise, exercise wise and sleep wise. I know what works for me, and I went back to the same plan.  

The results started slowly and continued slowly. I tracked every day, weighed myself every day etc. There were days that the scale went the wrong way, but the general direction over a longer period was downwards. I did not worry about the bad days, and I did not worry about cheating as I went back to my plan. I have written before about planning your dive then dive your plan. And I also have written about the fact that having goals is one thing, but you need a system to achieve them. 

Once I realized I had a system in place that was successful all I needed was to follow it. The thought that hit me in the short conversation with my kids was that in many of the successes I obtained over the years I have often looked for patterns and then replicated them. In fact, I had built up a series of systems that I would reach into my bag and pull out without thinking about it. While I wrote about building a system to reach your goal, I may want to revise some of that. 

If you succeeded previously you need to figure out what you did that led to success and create some system out of it to reuse. Once you create the system, the next thing is to practice it, and refine it as necessary. The key is to make them second nature like muscle memory like any athlete. The key is to be able to make them available at any time.  

The second key if figuring out how to reuse them in other situations. For getting fit, it was knowing what metrics are key, tracking them daily and making the adjustments as needed. I was holding myself accountable on a daily basis. Not everyone can mirror that but find the strategy that works for you. That is the magic, what works for you. Everyone watching from the outside will think your magical, but you will know it is. 

Of course maybe this post was just an excuse to show off my results…

This opinion is mine, and mine only, my current or former employers have nothing to do with it. I do not write for any financial gain, I do not take advertising and any product company listed was not done for payment. But if you do like what I write you can donate to the charity I support (with my wife who passed away in 2017) Morgan Stanley’s Children’s Hospital or donate to your favorite charity. I pay to host my site out of my own pocket, my intention is to keep it free.  I do read all feedback, I mostly wont post any of them. 

This Blog is a labor of love, and was originally going to be a book.  With the advent of being able to publish yourself on the web I chose this path.  I will write many of these and not worry too much about grammar or spelling (I will try to come back later and fix it) but focus on content.  I apologize in advance for my ADD as often topics may flip.  I hope one day to turn this into a book and or a podcast, but for now it will remain a blog.   AI is not used in this writing other than using the web to find information.Images without notes are created using and AI tool that allows me to reuse them.  

Immediately after writing the previous blog post, I started to think more about skills and talent. What I thought most about was all the things I wanted to learn but did not. The challenges and hurdles that we face can prevent us from reaching any goal. The excitement when you first see someone playing a song, cooking something amazing, or fixing something and think ‘I can do that’ is often lost and forgotten when you embark on the journey. Let us explore some of the hurdles and solutions so that you can move forward. 

The Fear of Failure: I am starting out with one of the biggest challenges. Everyone fears that when they try something new, they are not going to succeed, or in some cases are not as good as someone else. The first part of solving that is realistic expectations, and the second part is understanding you may need to make a lot of mistakes before you get it right. One reason it took so long for me to publish any of my writing was I thought I was going to fail. I turned it into that each writing was practice, and the only way to improve was to do it. Some posts were ok, some were bad but over the years I improved. 

Feeling Embarrassed / What other people think about what you are doing: Other people are going to judge you on first trying the skill, and then how well you are doing at it. Guess what, the only person’s opinion that should matter is yours. If you are worried about someone else, think simple who is more important in my life, me, or them. It is you. There will often be people who will see you trying and reach out to help, these are the people you want around you.  

Lack of Time: Every year I regroup with my team, and I ask them to lay out personal goals. Usually I want to read more, lose weight etc. The second thing I ask them to do is now block out time on their calendar to do it. If you want to read more, book a reading slot. If you want to get in shape, book the time to work out and time to meal prep. If you treat these things like appointments, you are more likely to do them, as well as making the time. Sometimes it is only 15 minutes a day that is needed to practice. 

Lack of Motivation: Often when learning a new skill, we lose our motivation due to lack of progress, frustrations etc. The first thing that must be done is to define what your motivation is, why are you trying to do this. The next is to set small goals and milestones and celebrate them. Remember when climbing a mountain, it is important to look at how far you have gone, not just how far you need to go. Surround yourself with people who support you and find a mentor or someone who is willing to help you. 

Distractions and Procrastination: If you read any of my articles previously you know I do have ADHD. This is a huge issue for me. In this day in age where we are constantly bombarded with distractions as our attention is money for them it is often hard to focus. Here is where the booking of time in your calendar helps as well as a second part which is designing the right environment for you to work on your skill. This includes having a consistent space where you practice, you can remove as many distractions as possible. Lastly, get yourself a pomodoro timer and set it. It is an ADHD technique that works well. 

Lack Of Patience: Skill acquisition is often a time consuming and slow process. Often the progress is not noticeable for a period of time. One of the skills I want to learn is patience! And working on other skills is helping me learn it. There are going to be plateaus, setbacks, and bad days and with the right expectations and goals you can hopefully increase your patience with the process. There is no harm is changing goals and timelines if the progress is not perfect. In my current journey getting fit I did change the timelines out, as at 56 it is not as easy as it was when I was 30. 

As we gain wisdom with age, I would think that it would be easier to get past these challenges. But every time I want to learn a new skill, I find myself fighting with these same things, and working on how I resolve them. Some things do come naturally, and that is due to talents, but others do not. It is often the ones that do not come naturally that I desire more, and then need to work harder it. If you spent time training for a year, and then climbed Mount Everst the view is not only breathtaking, but the journey to get to the top makes the experience so much more. If someone were to bring you up there in a helicopter, although it may look beautiful, not having to do the work to get there takes some of the beauty away. And yes, I am still trying to play the guitar and piano, and failing miserable at it so it is time for me to go practice.  

Disclaimer 

This opinion is mine, and mine only, my current or former employers have nothing to do with it. I do not write for any financial gain, I do not take advertising and any product company listed was not done for payment. But if you do like what I write you can donate to the charity I support (with my wife who passed away in 2017) Morgan Stanley’s Children’s Hospital or donate to your favorite charity. I pay to host my site out of my own pocket, my intention is to keep it free.  I do read all feedback, I mostly wont post any of them.

This Blog is a labor of love, and was originally going to be a book.  With the advent of being able to publish yourself on the web I chose this path.  I will write many of these and not worry too much about grammar or spelling (I will try to come back later and fix it) but focus on content.  I apologize in advance for my ADD as often topics may flip.  I hope one day to turn this into a book and or a podcast, but for now it will remain a blog.   AI is not used in this writing other than using the web to find information.Images without notes are created using and AI tool that allows me to reuse them.  

If someone told you that you were talented what is your reaction? But what if you were told that you had just picked up that skill, that others could do it? Does it change the way you think of the compliment? What is funny is they are both compliments, yet your reaction is vastly different. 

Talent can be defined as an innate, natural aptitude or inclination towards a specific activity or field. It is often regarded as a gift that some individuals possess from birth. Some believe that talents can manifest in various forms, such as artistic abilities, musical prowess, or exceptional athletic performance. I almost prefer that it is characterized by a sense of ease and proficiency, allowing individuals to excel effortlessly. 

On the other hand, skill refers to the acquired knowledge, expertise, and proficiency gained through practice, training, and experience. Skills are developed over time and can be improved in any area of interest or endeavor. Unlike talent, skills are not necessarily innate but can be cultivated and improved through dedication and hard work. 

When you go to see a band live in concert and the guitarist really shreds do you think he is talented or skillful? If you go on YouTube, you will find 1000s of guitarists who can shred, it is not as rare as I once believed as a kid. When you are watching your favorite sport and you see a player do something unreal, do you think how much he practiced that move? Or were they born with the ability to do that? How are you able to know the difference between them? 

I mention this cause one of my favorite musicians has posted videos of him playing the guitar and keyboards at the same time. I first thought I could never do that. If you read my posts, you know there is a post about you should be responsible for your second thoughts, not your first one. My second thought, is this a skill, could I learn how to do this? I can play both the keyboards and guitar, and I am not Eddie Van Halen, Nuno, Joe Satriani on the guitar, or Geoff Downes, Keith Emerson, or Jordan Rudess on the keyboards, I am average at both.  

While embarking on this endeavor it made me think more about the difference between the two. First if you are naturally talented at something, it may lead you to work on it more. Thus, continuously adding to your proficiency and observed talent. In other words, if you have a talent and work at it to build skill on top of that, this is where you are special. The musicians listed above meet that criterion. But if you have desire, work ethic, or even just challenged you can spend the time to pick up a skill. You may not be the greatest, but you could be good enough (remember perfection is the enemy of good). Often when I am afraid to do something, I need to figure out where my fear is coming from. Am I worried I will not be perfect, that I will not be the best, or that I will not put in the time to be able to do it? Once I get through the thought process, I can decide to learn a new skill. 

As a manager and giving compliments to the people you report to you, using those words can be touchy. As I asked in the beginning how do you feel when you are told one over the other. If someone is told they are talented, they feel a sense of pride but also can feel a sense of expectations. If someone is told they are skillful, they can feel a sense of satisfaction that the work they put in is recognized. Of course, the downside is that they also realize other people can pick up that skill. Using the right word in the right situation with some details on why you picked the word is needed. A wise approach would be recognizing both. 

While talent may provide a head start, skills can be developed and refined through dedication and perseverance. Recognizing the unique qualities of both talent and skill enables us to appreciate the diversity of human abilities and encourages us to pursue our passions with determination. Do not let the fact that something looks like talent prevent you from learning and try to find your talents and improve on them. Now back to trying to play the guitar and piano. 

This opinion is mine, and mine only, my current or former employers have nothing to do with it. I do not write for any financial gain, I do not take advertising and any product company listed was not done for payment. But if you do like what I write you can donate to the charity I support (with my wife who passed away in 2017) Morgan Stanley’s Children’s Hospital or donate to your favorite charity. I pay to host my site out of my own pocket, my intention is to keep it free.  I do read all feedback, I mostly wont post any of them.

This Blog is a labor of love, and was originally going to be a book.  With the advent of being able to publish yourself on the web I chose this path.  I will write many of these and not worry too much about grammar or spelling (I will try to come back later and fix it) but focus on content.  I apologize in advance for my ADD as often topics may flip.  I hope one day to turn this into a book and or a podcast, but for now it will remain a blog.   AI is not used in this writing other than using the web to find information.Images without notes are created using and AI tool that allows me to reuse them.  

A few years ago, I started doing pizza tours with a few friends.  A pizza tour is where you hop in a car, call ahead to pizza places to time it when you get there the pizza is coming out of the oven. In a day we did anywhere between ten and fifteen parlors. After tasting we would rate the pies, and I tracked it on a spreadsheet. Leveraging social media, we would pick the places that people rave about. My friend Mike started this during covid, he is a pizza enthusiast, I liked Pizza but never really was a expert in tasting and rating them.   

After the first time we did this, I thought my local Pizza place was really good. After, I was like he is just average. But worse, as people bragged had good some places are we went to expecting them to be this unreal experience that would blow us away. What started to happen is I found myself disappointed often, and in one case almost shocked. The best story was of a place down the shore, where the disappointment was so bad, I had my daughter try a slice, she was like it is not that good. After that I gave a piece of crust to my dog, and the dog refused it!  What happened also that going for Pizza at the local guy was out of the question, now driving a half hour to get a good slice has become the norm (if we were having pizza). 

What I realized was that it was not the Pizza that was bad (though the dog refusing it was funny). It was my expectation that this was going to be one of the best pies ever could have aided in my disappointment. Expectations are not bad per se, in fact they are an integral part of being human. We have them for multiple situations like relationships, career, personal goals, or our favorite sports teams. In the case of the Pizza, it was a very conscious expectation and explicit expectation, but not all are. Some can be explicit or implicit, conscious, or subconscious. The expectation was also driven by outside influences (other people who rated the pizza place). But often expectations can come from our desires, past experiences, or societal influences. 

I realized I have fallen into the trap of too high expectations. Something as simple as a slice of Pizza, was now a mental issue. I have been disappointed many times in my life, but just eating a slice of pizza should not cause disappointment. When your team loses a championship game, when your review at work is not superb, when you go on vacation and the trip was just so-so. These are normal things that happen. Of ourse you can find yourself in cognitive dissonance and make them sound better than they were but face it the lofty expectations made the experience worse.  

How do you stay happy? It is not possible to have low expectations every time you do something. You can try to fake yourself out, but subconscious expectations may get in the way. The first thing is you must understand what is valuable and second what is realistic. Going to my local pizza parlor because I am in a hurray and need quick sustenance is not a situation where I expect to have a mind-blowing slice of pizza. Going to a Michelin star restaurant is a different matter. Thus, we go back to framing the situation we are in.  

After we frame what we are doing the next step is to understand outside influences are often just well outside. 5 Star reviews on the internet are most likely fake. A review that matters is one that has close to the same taste, values and/or view that you do. But even then, it is a single data point, your personal experience may differ greatly. Was it a different chef that night, were they able to get their regular delivery of ingredients, were the tomatoes in season etc. So many things could impact the experience that taking outside opinions as fact can lead to disappointment.  

Lastly, expectations are not the only thing that will make an experience enjoyable or miserable. No one and no individual thing can control your happiness. Things like practicing gratitude, helping others, and improving yourself can help you find happiness. When going out for a slice of pizza think what the goal is if it’s just to satisfy the hunger then enjoy the average slice from your local place. On a pizza tour, find a way to blank your mind of reviews and opinions and try to savor the slice.  

This opinion is mine, and mine only, my current or former employers have nothing to do with it. I do not write for any financial gain, I do not take advertising and any product company listed was not done for payment. But if you do like what I write you can donate to the charity I support (with my wife who passed away in 2017) Morgan Stanley’s Children’s Hospital or donate to your favorite charity. I pay to host my site out of my own pocket, my intention is to keep it free.  I do read all feedback, I mostly wont post any of them.

This Blog is a labor of love, and was originally going to be a book.  With the advent of being able to publish yourself on the web I chose this path.  I will write many of these and not worry too much about grammar or spelling (I will try to come back later and fix it) but focus on content.  I apologize in advance for my ADD as often topics may flip.  I hope one day to turn this into a book and or a podcast, but for now it will remain a blog.   AI is not used in this writing other than using the web to find information.Images without notes are created using and AI tool that allows me to reuse them.  

When hiring someone the first impression you get is their resume. Applicants can use professional resume writers and even GPTs to assist them, but it still represents them. Immediately you make some judgement on whether you want to interview them or not. Many companies now have prescreening applications that will make some first judgements for you, as the selector you make that decision. What on the resume are you looking for? Did they go to the right college? Do they have a title from a respected company? Do they have gaps? There is always something that you are looking for. 

Now compare that to when you are making friends. You do not have a sheet of paper to review. Often you meet people at school, at work, or in other social settings. In all three scenarios without the resume in hand there Is some judgement that is made. Based on where you met them you assume they made it through some selection process. At college or a job, the person must have the same qualifications that you did to get in. In social settings you assume that if your friends know them, that they have the same values as your friends.  

If you are unfortunately single right now and the way many people meet is online your first introduction is their profile page. This is filled with pictures and some usual comments about themselves. But, from this profile page you make judgements about them. Do they look good enough? Do they have a word or two you like? You swipe left or right and move to the next one.  

Why do I compare those three? Why am I connecting three things that may not normally be connected? Why do I use the word judge so many times? 

Before I answer those questions there is something that I am doing and would ask my reader to do the same. Look at the people around you, your partner, your friends, and your coworkers. There is a famous quote “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with” (Jim Rohn) but your work mates’ number more than five, as well as your friends and family. Are these the people you want to be around? Are these the people with the same values you have? Look at your resume and are these the companies that fit your values? This self-reflection may not be easy, in fact use the time to be critical. 

You should be able to now understand why I all four are mentioned together. I have stated simply that “you cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.” And this introspection exercise is to do just that. It is not about a new year’s resolution, not about an impulsively rash decision, or telling you to cut off everyone that does not fit. It is about making you think about your values, what you yourself think is important and making a conscious effort to spend time with people who have those values. If someone has a trait that they excel in and you lack, being around them can mentor you.  

Now I am going to add a fourth scenario. Look at your last purchases. Discretionary or non-discretionary. Are you spending money that matches what is important to you? Are you spending money on things, experiences, for family, for yourself?  

I write a lot about things I see and view and what I try to change in myself. The best way is to be around people who are successful in the things you want to change, and even asking them for assistance. But just being around those who share your values allows you to be yourself and you do not need to pretend to have other values. For money, everyone is going to have what they spend their money on. And there is no right answer, but make sure when doing things together, that you are getting the value you want. The value could be friendship, and the activity does not matter, but make it based on your value. 

This exercise is something I may add to my quarterly routine, but the key thing is living with myself and within my values is something I need to make sure I follow.  

This opinion is mine, and mine only, my current or former employers have nothing to do with it. I do not write for any financial gain, I do not take advertising and any product company listed was not done for payment. But if you do like what I write you can donate to the charity I support (with my wife who passed away in 2017) Morgan Stanley’s Children’s Hospital or donate to your favorite charity. I pay to host my site out of my own pocket, my intention is to keep it free.  I do read all feedback, I mostly wont post any of them.

This Blog is a labor of love, and was originally going to be a book.  With the advent of being able to publish yourself on the web I chose this path.  I will write many of these and not worry too much about grammar or spelling (I will try to come back later and fix it) but focus on content.  I apologize in advance for my ADD as often topics may flip.  I hope one day to turn this into a book and or a podcast, but for now it will remain a blog.   AI is not used in this writing other than using the web to find information.Images without notes are created using and AI tool that allows me to reuse them.  

Some strong leaders state the words ‘You are with us, or you are against us.” For us Americans in was a rallying cry after 9/11, but the origin of the saying goes well before 2001. There are even references in the bible. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller states “You’re either for us, or against your country.” Even as I type the quote I cringe at the exact wording. 

This saying sets up a simplistic dichotomy of being either “for us” or “against us” which does not allow for any nuance or complexity. It assumes that there are only two sides to every issue, and that people must either be for one side or against the other. This is simply not true. There are often many different perspectives on an issue, and people may hold a variety of different views. The world is not black and white, there are shades of grey and there are colors. Forcing someone to pick a side without understanding the nuances is divisive. 

The saying also puts pressure on people to make an immediate decision. They may not have the facts but demand one to pick a side. The goal of the statement is often to intimidate someone into allegiance. Knowing that people have this ardent desire to belong, they could make the wrong choice in haste.  

Once the choice is made it creates this adversarial situation. This is the “us” versus “them” mentality. The chasm between the two sides continues to grow. This chasm prevents productive conversations from happening and finding resolutions difficult. The divide even creates this unhealthy self-righteousness feeling and allows people to demonize anyone on the other side. 

People use this divide to justify their behavior. Including what could be seen as extreme. When there is a crowd with you it is easier to not only act worse, but to get apparent approval from the crowd. They are with you, thus whatever you do they must agree with. Promoting extreme measures on your side is fully justified but also supported. Social media can amplify both the measures and the backing. 

Once someone picks a side it is not always possible to speak out against something that side does. There is a fear that if you do speak up you will be thrown out of this clan that you selected. In the worst-case scenario, their extreme measure could be directed at you. This fear and intimidation silences many who otherwise would not have joined if they knew.  

Throughout history, leaders of politics and religion have used this divisive phrase to force people to take sides and strengthen their in-group. But most complex issues have more than just two monolithic sides. This saying boxes people into a false choice when truth is often far messier. 

I started thinking about this recently for a few reasons. A few weeks ago, in the US local elections were held. In my town we voted for mayor. I noticed something interesting on the signage of both candidates. Neither one stated their party affiliation. There were also signs stating that federal politics have no place in local elections. Both candidates did not want their voters to think that they were all in with their parties, that you were either pro everything one side or the other. 

Second, the war in the middle east continues. As I listen to some podcasts and relearn the history and what has been going on there for fifty plus years, I see the situation is more nuanced than ‘for us or against us’ statement.  

And third, Kid Rock who slammed Bud Light decided to change his tune. His latest statement “I didn’t want to be in the party of cancel cultures and boycotts that ultimately hurt working-class people.” A few weeks ago, I wrote about not being responsible for your first thought. Here I see Kid Rock got to understand the situation and now is on to his second thought. 

All three started me thinking about how we should approach the chasm that separates too many people. The optimist in me would like to see more nuanced thinking around ideas. People to be more open to perspectives outside of this one side or the other. For people to find the strength to speak up, as often there are more that are willing to agree with you. That strength will be needed to overcome those screaming the loudest, as they are not the ones we should be listening to. Though most sides of an issue have key divisions, there are also common values that should bring them together. In the end people care about freedom, safety, justice, family etc. It is finding those values that we can agree on to find a way forward.  

So now when I hear the following phrase ‘You are either with us, or against us” I will try to dig the strength to say ‘No, I am not, I can agree with you on one point but disagree other times.’ 

This opinion is mine, and mine only, my current or former employers have nothing to do with it. I do not write for any financial gain, I do not take advertising and any product company listed was not done for payment. But if you do like what I write you can donate to the charity I support (with my wife who passed away in 2017) Morgan Stanley’s Children’s Hospital or donate to your favorite charity. I pay to host my site out of my own pocket, my intention is to keep it free.  I do read all feedback, I mostly wont post any of them.

This Blog is a labor of love, and was originally going to be a book.  With the advent of being able to publish yourself on the web I chose this path.  I will write many of these and not worry too much about grammar or spelling (I will try to come back later and fix it) but focus on content.  I apologize in advance for my ADD as often topics may flip.  I hope one day to turn this into a book and or a podcast, but for now it will remain a blog.   AI is not used in this writing other than using the web to find information.Images without notes are created using and AI tool that allows me to reuse them.